On DevOps

DevOps (or, more crudely, 'development operations') is the skill of being able to configure and maintain the proper working function of servers. I am not a devops person. I write code. But I need a server for that code. I am shaving a yak. Do Mongolians shave yaks? Or do they use our domesticated animals when they deride a senseless action? Does Bataar shave a dog? I add it to the list of things to Google, eventually.

I need caffeine. I'm on hour 48 of a seemingly endless trail of minutia emanating from error logs. I need a server. I am trawling obscure forums where the requirements for admission are apparently bad Engrish. And an aversion to n00bs. I use articles when I speak. I am not welcome here.

Like sugar fueled children given a pinata, it all began so innocently.

I'm building an app. I was given a server. I work with smart people. Till now we have managed to host our servers just fine. What's another box?

The mental beating began at login. The dialogs are unfamiliar. Is this important? I've never heard of that. Maybe I should write that down. It sounds serious and was in a modal and everything. I am not a devops person. I don't know what is going on. I'm just here for the web root.

We need something running fast delivered fast! Like tomorrow! Is Python on IIS fast? I dunno. I've installed servers locally for development on Windows. Do I want Windows? I don't know Linux. There are furrowed brows about deadlines. I go with something where I can guesstimate the interface over having to have the arcane scripts of the Illuminati burned into memory. I don't have the time or virginal chicken to pay for the bestowing of such things.

There are snooty eastern europeans. I see them making rude gestures at their screens in a cigarette haze. I can hear them laughing at my forum questions. I've seen movies. I just want to run my code. I want Python. I want big data. I want to be like Quentin Tarantino. I want Django. My searches are filled with movie reviews. I want what social applications like Instagram and Pinterest use. We're social too!

The eastern europeans do not want to be social. My grammar contains articles and prepositions. I do not speak the right language.

Why so big timeout? Do you slow internet?

There was something said about being unable to sexually satisfy my wife. Or maybe mention of dependencies was about my code. The details are lost in imagined hacker cigarette haze. At some point the company who published the tutorial I'm questioning say that it is a very bad way to do things. I no longer amuse Boris (or Yuri, or Mitch). Even the insults over my competence have stopped.

The server 500 errors force me onward. I wander across the land of misfit questions and forgotten forums. I hope. I seek. I find answers from four years ago that no longer work.

The daily standups become 10-minute homages to Groundhog's day. It's been three days. It's been three weeks. I can't remember.

"How's the configuration going? You made progress?"

"I made some progress, but then that solution exposed a new problem that I didn't know I had. I'm out of things to Google, Sergi Brin isn't returning my calls, and did you see him wearing those ridiculous glasses, and HEY, HOLY CRAP, LOOK OVER THERE!"

They nod. There's luke-warm empathy over my predicament. My dependency is buying them cover and not exposing their also-slowed pace. I hate them. We are a team. At launch maybe we'll have a pizza party, take embarrassing photos, and later masquerade our loathsome co-existence as LinkedIn praise. I love them.

I need a server. Why am I here? I write code. I wanted to help people. The VP of development is people. He is speaking to me. I need caffeine. English is getting hard. Maybe I'm getting l337 European hacker skills? Maybe Boris will speak to me. The VP is speaking.